I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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