piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
