is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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