I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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