oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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