Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
