I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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