paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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