I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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