I wish I could teleport
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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