The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
