I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got inside last night via doggy door
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
