sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
