Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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