You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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