Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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