i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
