That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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