he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
