I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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