So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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