id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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