i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
