My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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