I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
