I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
