We got so high we made milksteak
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
