I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
