Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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