it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
