I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
