someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Randomize
