Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
