what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
