I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
