Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Come on in and take your pants off
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