I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
