Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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