no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
