forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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