I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
