Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
