he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
