there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
