Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
