Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
