You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
