I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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