he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
