Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
