Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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