drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
