I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
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After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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