he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
