Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sorry my hands just texted you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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