I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
